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Conspicuous Charity and why I hate Breast Cancer Awareness….

October 6, 2010 11 comments

I hate Breast Cancer Awareness.

Well….at least in its current form.

OK you say, “Mr. McDoof you are a cold, heartless bastard.” I say, wait a second…

It is ubiquitous, every girl and every dude who wants to feign a compassionate heart is wearing some sort of pink anything. Now look I hate breast cancer, my aunt got it and is trying hard to recover so I can see how important it is to get checked often, not to be afraid of getting a mammogram etc.

So how about this:

85% of all diagnoses have no family history.
1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer.
Breast cancer is the leading cause of death in women between ages 40 and 55.

Bam! That’s my mom’s age and many of your mother’s ages. Who isn’t moved by the notion that there are women out there, our very mothers suffering from something that can be stopped. Why can’t we just do that?

Saying “I like it on a chair/I like it on the floor” etc. does not raise awareness for anything, except making me more aware that you are indeed a douchebag. The next time I say “That’s what she said” and you frown at such indiscretion, I am gonna smugly tell you I am raising awareness for prostate/testicular cancer.

Like everything else in life, tough issues like breast cancer need to be met with tough sacrifice and conviction. Waltzing around like a moron telling people you where you like to have sex, makes you an oafish horndog. People might giggle or laugh a little, but you’ve done actually zero work in doing anything for the cause for cancer. In fact, campaigns like these are distracting people from the more pertinent message of screenings and checkups. You wore a ribbon? Awesome, I am glad that I can see one now for the 467,854th time. OK, so I see pink a lot, but I am not sure what I am supposed do….

The most asinine part of all these awareness initiatives is that the people (upper-middle class folks who have the money and time to be able to parade around)  who already know the most about breast cancer issues are the ones saturated with the message. The NFL has caught onto this with a lot of the players wearing pink gloves and shoes, so maybe it would hit a bigger audience. But still while the pink is undoubtedly effeminate and distracting, where were the ads or statements reminding us what many of us men should be doing for our wives, sisters, mothers and daughters? Couldn’t these awareness funds be used more directly for actual research or other initiatives? Something tells me the intention is good, but lacks any real benefit.

It makes sense though, people can pretend they are doing something noble and at the same time face no real cost to themselves. Real breast cancer awareness would actually entail work. Want to really raise awareness? How about visiting a family in a neighborhood that doesn’t have these resources. Want to be of help? How about visiting a woman suffering from the illness and facing a scary and lonely stage of her life. On a scale of 1-10 on doing something about breast cancer, wearing a ribbon and walking around your friends who are already inundated with this message is a 0.0001.

Maybe its me being a cynic, but why does every charity need to raise fanfare to do anything? What value is there is in a parade other than feeling good about ourselves while all you really are doing is causing traffic for everyone else? Is the only way we can donate money to a cause when people walk for a few miles, or if there is an enormous gala more dedicated to showing how rich and generous you are? All of this nonsense is 99% self-congratulatory and 1% “O wait, there’s a real issue here.”

It’s not just breast cancer, apparently there is a LINK event at Circle (korean nightclub)? Are you serious?

What’s the message? “Come support the cause by doing what you do every Friday, getting piss drunk.”  Want to help North Koreans? I will promise you this will do very little to help North Koreans. Chasing fobby Korean girls with overpriced drinks in hand sounds like what old and sketchy Korean men do, not a way to bring freedom to North Korea. You wanna do that, fine whatever, lets not veil in under the premise of charity though please?

Is there something wrong with just, “Listen I am not gonna walk around or do anything, but breast cancer sucks. Can you donate to the cause?” OK, if parading is the only way we can raise money, fine I am all for it, but I wonder what this says about the state of the world right now. I am pretty sure that the reason why every celebrity has their own pet cause is not because of a sudden increase in “kindness” among them. Conspicuous Charity…apparently, our kindness is only worth something if everyone else can see it.

Listen, I hate cancer. Visiting my aunt in person, when she had a thinning head of hair shocked me. Seeing her in such a frail state made me wonder what we could do to help prevent/stop/help. Acting like a insufferable douche pretending to care for a cause is not one of them.

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Adam the Analyst – Intro Vid

September 8, 2010 Leave a comment
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Partnership with Wallstreetoasis.com

September 7, 2010 Leave a comment

I will be making a few more videos with the website, wallstreetoasis.com. It will be a series taking you through, in little more depth, the life of an analyst.

My two readers! Be sure to stay tuned at my website or WSO for updates.

Regards,

Mr. Mcdoof.

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Fatfcukitis sidelined Haynesworth in practice

August 23, 2010 Leave a comment

Add another problem to the long list of issues stirring conflict between Coach Mike Shanahan and defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth: Fatfcukitis.

The condition causes the rapid consumption of Krispy Kreme Donuts and is what sidelined Haynesworth in practice last week, three people familiar with the situation said Sunday.

Tony Wyllie, Redskins’ senior vice president, said Sunday afternoon the team would have no comment on Haynesworth until Coach Mike Shanahan addresses the media after practice Monday.

Shanahan has discussed Haynesworth’s symptoms but hasn’t revealed an exact diagnosis. Experts say that Haynesworth’s ability to play in Saturday’s game likely means he’s recovered from the condition. They also warn, though, that the fact that Haynesworth was suffering from fatfcukitis might also indicate that he would probably wear a t-shirt whenever he enters a swimming pool.

“Fatfcukitis is basically a condition in which you make a ton of money and find it unnecessary to do any athletic activity for a whole summer,” said Dr. Lynne P. Yao, chairman-elect of the National Fat Guys Foundation. “It doesn’t happen as often in well-conditioned athletes, but if there’s really extreme circumstances — like eating a ton of donuts and sleeping in the piles of cash your boss gives you freely — than that could happen.”

Experts say fatfcukitis can cause a breakdown of any desire to work hard.

Haynesworth lashed out after Saturday night’s 23-3 loss to the Baltimore Ravens, saying the team is underplaying the severity of his chafed thighs that prompted him to sit out practice at Redskins Park. Haynesworth also contends that team officials are still holding his absence during the offseason conditioning program against him, and he announced he plans to skip next season’s voluntary conditioning program, something that would probably help alleviate his condition.

In speaking with reporters after the game, Haynesworth never mentioned Shanahan by name, but multiple team sources said the two-time all-pro performer’s anger is directed at Shanahan because he has described Haynesworth’s condition as being “more of being a fat-ass than anything else.” Haynesworth declined to reveal specifics about maladies that prompted him to cut short his participation in practice Tuesday as well as miss the sessions Wednesday and Thursday, but team medical personnel last week noted he is now unable to see his own feet when he takes a shower and needs to reserve two seats on team flights.

The condition is caused by eating too much and not moving for long stretches of time. People who experience minor emotional trauma, such as a bad break-up, are more susceptible to eating a tub of ice cream while watching a bad Jennifer Aniston movie, experts say.

Another Redskins player suffered from fatfcukitis last season, one of the team sources said. Treatment includes the aggressive use of liposuction, but there is no medication available.

In an interview late Saturday after the game, Haynesworth expressed frustration about the way things have been characterized because he “just wants people to say the truth about what’s going on. That’s it. A fatass? That’s not what’s going on.” At the time, he was eating a stick of butter wedged between two chocolate-chip cookies.

Meanwhile, several of Haynesworth’s teammates simply shook their heads in disbelief when informed of the latest dust up between Shanahan and Haynesworth. One defensive veteran aware of Haynesworth’s condition said he understood why Haynesworth was upset that they did not make bras in his size, but also sided with Shanahan in saying that Shanahan would never reveal details about any player’s extensive stretch marks to the media.

Another defensive player tired of the conflict said he could not understand why Haynesworth seemed to be upset. It is common knowledge within the locker room that the Redskins plan to continue to allow Haynesworth to start dinnertime at the front of the line, his desired position in the team’s new cafeteria, and it just doesn’t make sense for Haynesworth to continue to poke Shanahan, a much slimmer and fit man.

“I know what type of player I am and what I can do” if the Redskins let him, he said in the interview late Saturday night. “I just want people to buy me food.”

(Albert and Redskins staff looking for the candy bar he dropped on the field)

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Interracial dating….what about Asian dudes?

July 28, 2010 5 comments

Mr. Mcdoof back in action here…..

You should check out the comments here. Ta-Nehisi Coates’s readers have some interesting things to say about interracial dating. He wrote:

One rather consistent complain in comments in the interracial dating thread is lack of talk about how Asian-Americans fit into this.

Hrmm, take a walk through Central Park and inevitably you’ll see a beautiful HAPA (Half-Asian Person American?, not sure about what it means) baby, except the Dude is always white and the girl is always Asian.  Not that I have a problem, but the reverse is not nearly as prevalant so much so, you see Facebook groups like this. (Thanks Fert)

A few factors I might posit as to why (along with their actual significance):

1) Prevailing stereotypes about Asian (I suppose specifically, Korean) guys beating their wives and treating them like garbage. Apparently, every Asian person who isn’t a weak-kneed pansy is a misogynistic and sexist jerk.

Not that significant; though for example, Jin-Soo Kwon in LOST spoke terrible Korean, but apparently inherited the K-gene that inclined him to berate and beat his wife for the first few seasons I still love you LOST, no I don’t, that ending was a huge Lebron James cop-out.

2) Terrible Asian male film roles: Apparently Asian guys are only useful when we need to find ourselves a Karate instructor after we get beaten up by bullies or if its about well, Asian people.

Somewhat significant, if not a cause, at least a reflection of society’s views on the masculine Asian dude.

3) Maintenance of Asian culture is easier with a White Dad/Asian Mom combo than vice-versa. I know a lot of Korean parents who express concerns that they want their grandchildren to be raised “Korean”

I think this is pretty significant as well and actually a solid reason. Many guys make the same judgment call here.

4) Rampantly one-sided yellow fever. White girls aren’t into Asian guys the way white guys are into Asian girls. Seems to be a fact of life. Ask any Asian guy what he would do to date a white girl, he would probably give up a kidney or finger. Yes see this.

Yo have you seen Min’s girlfriend?”
“What is she pretty?”
“No, she’s white!!!”
“What? No way!!!!”

One guy commented on Coates’s blog:

That said, there’s an empirical reality out there. Using most surveys, or census tabulations of interracial households, interracial relationships involving Asian-Americans exhibit greater gender disparities than any other set of relationships. There’s an enormous amount of scholarship out there intending to explain this, much of it revolving around the gendering of race – the notion, in this case, that Asians have been constructed as effeminate and submissive, rendering women exotically desirable but not men. I’ve also seen the idea floated that given the relatively rigid and traditionally patriarchal construction of some Asian communities, it may be that women are more likely to seek escape from such strictures through an interracial liaison, while men are likely to shun such relationships inasmuch as they require the abandonment of privileged status. Or, in a third theory that offers a twist on the second, that women who acquire education, careers, and a measure of independence are sometimes considered too modern or independent, and so seek relationships outside their community because they cannot build them within it. And then there’s the notion that, in cultures that place enormous emphasis on patrilineality, dutiful sons may feel tremendous pressure to preserve the continuity of family and tradition via endogamous marriage, whereas daughters may not.

China’s one-child policy created incentives for families to raise boys and many Asian girls flock to fawning white guys.  This increases the amount of single Asian males to Asian females (last time i checked i think the ratio stands roughly at 15:1). At this rate, we should see thousands of Asian male zombies rioting on the streets or attacking each other like horny and rabid chimpanzees.  Nope they’ve found a different outlet. Maybe this is why all my single, Asian guy friends are so damn excited instead about this:

Just sayin’. Why care about the real world when you could be a master of the universe!

Yes, this is an awards show for “pro-gamers” who kick butt at games like Starcraft. Ahhhh yes, you roll your eyes and laugh at how stupid it is a country can put so much stock in people playing a game that has zero consequence on real world matters, like for instance putting a ball in a hoop, into the back of a net or kicked through yellow uprights. Oh yea….never mind we’re all douchebags.

As for me, I will try my best not play it. Whenever I find a vice, I tend to do too much of it. I figure Starcraft might be one of those things.

Flustered Mcdoof

Categories: Satire Tags: , ,

New video – Lloyd Blankfein’s voicemail message leaked!

May 25, 2010 1 comment

New video out, with a different bit of humor. Once BDK gets off his fat butt to organize the videos, we’ll have the series organized nicely for all of you to watch on the links above. Gotta figure out a way to manage this blogroll better too.

While you are watching this one, please check out my friend’s blogs. Both assist me in the creation of these videos, by sitting through some of the unfunnier versions, offering analysis of some of the underlying financial issues as well as throwing in the occasional one-liner.

Shereefelnahal.com is a blog on the Medical Industry that mixes solid analysis with the same sort of cynical humor you find in these videos. Even if you aren’t in the industry, most of the stuff he writes about is pretty straightforward and accessible.

Neilshenai.com some of you are already familiar with Neil. Has a blog on HufPo that I’ve linked up already, but check out some of his more day to day stuff. If you like football, politics, economics with a humorous spin give it a go.

Without further ado, I give you Lloyd Blankfein’s leaked voicemail message.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Works cited-

Goldman CEO buys new home in cash!

and leaves pep-talk voicemail for Goldman employees.

Special thanks to Courtney Comstock at Clusterstock.

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Banker meets Football Coach

May 10, 2010 3 comments

Those vague and meaningless words you always hear from your boss; I asked myself where did I hear that before?! O yea, my football coach!

Not sure who got the upper hand here in spouting meaningless jargon. Who do you think wins?

“Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.” – Doug Collins

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