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할머니

This was the eulogy (edited for coherence) I delivered at my grandmother’s funeral two years ago.  Death is a terrible thing to face and witness, but my heart convinces me more and more each day that this is not the way things are supposed to be. If you like this, try also reading my other post.


I want to thank you all for coming to witness my grandmother’s passing. She was truly a great and loving woman and she was a tremendous blessing to her children, grand-children and great-grandchildren. It is amazing but all of the grandchildren were by her side for this time, something that I would not have been able to have imagined in thousands of years. I have just have a few things to describe about my grandmother.

My grandmother made sure everyone ate a ridiculous amount of food. My Korean is horrible, but I know Korean food well because of all of the things my grandmother made, 무말랭이 (spicy dried radish), 열무국수 (yulmoo kimchi noodles), 식혜 (a sweet rice drink), 동치미국수 (a water-based kimchi), 부추김치 (a chive-like kimchi) , 천국장 (stinky soybean soup). We all knew she made 천국장 “Chungook Jang” because the home smelled like feet that haven’t been washed for weeks. When I would protest the smell because I wanted friends to come over, she would say “너가 냄새 싫으면, 다른 집에서 살어”  (If you dislike the smell so much, go live in a different house.)  If you don’t believe my grandmother fed us well, I suggest you look at the waistlines of some my male cousins and you will have your answer. I always thought growing up in this family that being chubby was normal.

My grandmother also provided a point of refuge for my brother and I when my father punished us. For instance, when my father took us downstairs for punishment be it because we lied to him, burned our report cards and flushed it down the toilet he made us stand in the garage with our hands held above our heads and hold that position while he brooded over the appropriate amount of spanking. There was nobody we could appeal to it seemed, and as we were bracing for the worst, when we suddenly heard slow steady footsteps creaking down the stairs. My halmoni came down and said, “에비야 고만”  (No more). My father replied “Umma!”, as it was obvious he was trying to say “Mom, leave me alone, they need to be punished!”  Again she said the same thing, and we knew my father had to obey. I still smile like a little punk over that incident knowing full well we didn’t get what we really deserved. Living with halmoni was awesome knowing my father was ultimately not king of the household when my brother and I did stupid things. Perhaps some can even call that grace.

The grandmother we knew was an extremely strong woman, so it was difficult for all of us to see her fade in such a way. This was a woman who picked acorns outside with Amy and Allen to make food, cooked with Anna, Kathleen and Shauna, poked needles into Brian’s fingers and toes as a cure for whatever stomach ailment he had and even cut up pieces of cheese into bite size pieces for Edlin to put in his cereal (Who knows why this was considered tasty? to each their own).

As we approached this time, we all became increasingly frustrated to see her body falling apart. She could no longer walk, she ate less and less and she was even refusing water. Our comfort that we provided was our best but still lacking, her knees still ached, she became more and more dizzy, she became more and more saddened. Our halmoni fed us when we were hungry, comforted us when we were sick and got angry with us when somebody wronged our family. This disparity pointed to a biting irony in our own lives.

Death is awful, there is no way around it. Regardless of whether you believe God is Jesus Christ or whether you think God is a figment of the imaginations of many poor and lost idiots, the pain and sting of death is a problem faced by a person regardless of his faith or worldview. I don’t know why; but my grandmother’s body failed. We are defined by this fact, our very existence, even my halmoni’s is a fallen one; we are all destined for death. Yet, if we dwell on this point and ask why too much, we fall into the trap of seeing life as an incomplete story, as Macbeth says “full of sound and a fury, signifying nothing”  But I want to point us into a different direction; I know we might have our own views and faiths, but I want to direct us to the Christian view that speaks to me and I hope can help us all during this time.

One of the greatest things about my faith is that it does not merely say God has created us and loved us; but it says “Emmanuel” God is with us. When the scriptures say this we are not talking about a foggy spirit that lurks among us. But this is a God who is with us, beside us and IDENTIFIES with us.  Jesus felt pity for the poor leper that he restored his health, He was alongside Mary and Martha when their brother Lazarus died. As the Rev. Tim Keller has said, God binds with the suffering to the extent that he feels any move against them is a move against him.

The story continues though because in this world of pain and suffering God does not just give us rules to follow and leave us be. He is a God who gets his hands dirty for us. He cried out for his children so much that he demonstrated his love for us by sending His son to die on the cross. It becomes easier for me to accept God when he is willing to become drawn in this suffering we fear. When Jesus was on the cross, he cried not for himself but for all of us. The Cross is the reason why I believe God is not somebody who doesn’t care for me. God doesn’t merely tell me He loves me, but He shows me. But I don’t think this is the final story either.

In Revelation it says:

See the home of God is among mortals, He will dwell with them; they will be his people ad God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; mourning and crying and pain will be no more, for the first things have passed away.

It continues:

See, I am making all things new.

This is the ultimate promise my grandmother and we all have. We know our limits, we saw how helpless we were to stop our grandmother’s eventual demise.  Yet we have a new hope, that we will be completely restored and made new, that sickness and despair are gone, and we will not know pain. Our story is not incomplete knowing we will see each other perfected, ultimately with our Creator.

I know my grandmother took care of us in so many ways and for that we feel forever indebted. We all felt at home going into her arms, dwelling in her room and feeling her love. In the same way we need to rejoice, because she is being cared for infinitely better than she ever cared for us. The day before she died, she cried out to go back home. She was able to pass away in her bedroom among her entire family in a place we thought of as her home.

But, we must know that, that was not her home. In the same way we joyfully came to her, she can be relieved and see the arms God open wide and His voice tell her, “Come to me all, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”

Halmoni, rest in peace, you have made it home.

July 30, 2008

I want to thank you all for coming to witness my grandmother’s passing. She was truly
a great and loving woman and she was a tremendous blessing to her children, grand-
children and great-grandchildren. It is amazing but all of the grandchildren were by
her side for this time, something that I would not have been able to have imagined in
thousands of years. I have just have a few things to describe about my grandmother.
My grandmother made sure everyone ate a ridiculous amount of food. My Korean is
horrible, but I know Korean food well because of all of the things my grandmother
made. Moo-mallaengee, Yul moo gooksoo, Shikhae, Deul kkae pal ee, dong chee mee
gook soo, boochoo kimchee and our favorite chung gook jang. We all knew she made
chungook jang because the home smelled like feet that haven’t been washed for weeks.
When I would protest the smell because I wanted friends to come over, she would
say “nee gah namesae shilluh hae mun, dahleun jip aesuh sahluh.” (If you dislike the
smell so much, go live in a different house.) If you don’t believe my grandmother fed
us well, I suggest you look at the waistlines of some my male cousins and you will have
your answer. I always thought growing up in this family that being chubby was normal.
My grandmother also provided a point of refuge for my brother and I when my father
punished us. For instance, when my father took us downstairs for punishment be it
because we lied to him, burned our report cards and flushed it down the toilet he made
us stand in the garage with our hands held above our heads and hold that position while
he brooded over the appropriate amount of spanking. There was nobody we could appeal
to it seemed, and as we were bracing for the worst, when we suddenly heard slow steady
footsteps creaking down the stairs. My halmoni came down and said, “Aebi ya, goh
mahn.” (Kevin’s father stop). My father replied “Umma!”, as it was obvious he was
trying to say “Mom, leave me alone, they need to be punished!” Again she said Aebi ya,
goh mahn”, and we knew my father had to obey. I still smile like a little rascal over that
incident knowing full well we didn’t get what we really deserved. Living with halmoni
was awesome knowing my father was ultimately not king of the household when my
brother and I did stupid things.
The grandmother we knew was an extremely strong woman, so it was difficult for all of
us to see her fade in such a way. This was a woman who picked acorns outside with Amy
and Allen to make mook, cooked with Anna, Kathleen and Shauna, poked needles into
Brian’s fingers and toes, chim majuh gae, whenever his stomach hurt and even cut up
pieces of cheese into bite size pieces for Edlin to put in his cereal.
As we approached this time, we all became increasingly frustrated to see her body falling
apart. She could no longer walk, she ate less and less and she was even refusing water.
Our comfort that we provided was our best but still lacking, her knees still ached, she
became more and more dizzy, she became more and more saddened. Our halmoni fed
us when we were hungry, comforted us when we were sick and got angry with us when
somebody wronged our family. This disparity pointed to a biting irony in our own lives.
I don’t know why; but my grandmother’s body failed. We are defined by this fact, our
very existence, even my halmoni’s is a fallen one; we are all destined for death. Yet, if
we dwell on this point and ask why too much, we fall into the trap of seeing life as an
incomplete story, as Macbeth says “full of sound and a fury, signifying nothing” But
I want to point us into a different direction; I know we might have our own views and
faiths, but I want to direct us to the Christian view that speaks to me and I hope can help
us all during this time.
One of the greatest things about my faith is that it does not merely say God has created
us and loved us; but it says “Emmanuel” God is with us. When the scriptures say this we
are not talking about a foggy spirit that lurks among us. But this is a God who is with us,
beside us and IDENTIFIES with us. Jesus felt pity for the poor leper that he restored his
health, He was alongside Mary and Martha when their brother Lazarus died. As the Rev.
Tim Keller has said, God binds with the suffering to the extent that he feels any move
against them is a move against him.
The story continues though because in this world of pain and suffering God does not just
give us rules to follow and leave us be. He is a God who gets his hands dirty for us. He
cried out for his children so much that he demonstrated his love for us by sending His son
to die on the cross. It becomes easier for me to accept God when he is willing to become
drawn in this suffering we fear. When Jesus was on the cross, he cried not for himself but
for all of us.
In Revelation it says:
See the home of God is among mortals, He will dwell with them; they will be his
people ad God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes.
Death will be no more; mourning and crying and pain will be no more, for the
first things have passed away.
It continues:
See, I am making all things new.
This is the ultimate promise my grandmother and we all have. We know our limits, we
saw how helpless we were to stop our grandmother’s eventual demise. Yet we have a
new hope, that we will be completely restored and made new, that sickness and despair
are gone, and we will not know pain. Our story is not incomplete knowing we will see
each other perfected, ultimately with our Creator.
I know my grandmother took care of us in so many ways and for that we feel forever
indebted. We all felt at home going into her arms, dwelling in her room and feeling her
love. In the same way we need to rejoice, because she is being cared for infinitely better
than she ever cared for us. The day before she died, she cried out to come home. She was
able to die in room among her entire family in a place we thought of as her home. We
must know that, that was not her home. In the same way we joyfully came to her, she can
be relieved and see the arms God open wide and His voice tell her, “Come to me all, all
you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Halmoni,
rest in peace, you have made it home.

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  1. orijinalbrand
    July 31, 2010 at 9:54 am

    Poignant and encouraging post, bro. This reminded me in many ways of my relationship growing up with my wae-halmoni. She always saved me from not getting my ass kicked too hard by my mom. One funny moment was when my mom got remarried, my grandmother offered me a cig outside at the wedding, and thinking i was bad ass, i took it. And then she said she’d kick my ass if: #1, i smoked on my own ever, and #2, if i told my mom that she offered me one. I suppose you could say she liked smoking just as much as you do. 😉

  2. Colin Kim
    July 31, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    Thanks for doing this Kane. You were a rock that day. Hahlmohnee would’ve been proud.

  3. Shauna Park
    August 1, 2010 at 12:33 am

    Her picture is in our family room and we look at it everyday. Sometimes when I’m home alone, I pretend like she’s there hanging out with me. Sighhh I miss her. Thanks Kane and happy birthday Sae Hwan.

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